in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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