You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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