Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
