I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
