You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
