i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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