I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
