Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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