Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
