No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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