Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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