i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
