i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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