just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize