I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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