I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
