how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
