Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
