It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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