im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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