Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
