I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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