the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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