Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
