the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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