I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
