I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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