operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize