I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
