I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
