i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
