Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
