can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
