I met the friendliest cop last night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
