I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
