i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
