I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
