My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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