If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
