o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
