What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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