I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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