K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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