Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
