Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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