I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
