she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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