Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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