She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize