The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
