Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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