just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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