Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
