You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
