I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
