Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize