I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
