I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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